We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
