I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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