is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
