And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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