I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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