So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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