I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
