Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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