i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
