Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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