life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
