He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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