I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Randomize
