I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
