every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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