my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
