I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
