I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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