i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
