Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I need a burrito and a hug.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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