At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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