i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
