are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
