dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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