watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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