You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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