Me. At least after what I've been through.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
