i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You pole danced in your parka.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
