His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
