do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
