I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
