it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
