Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
