One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
