I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
