I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
