I'm really into asian looking animals
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
