Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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