I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize