SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
