god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
