Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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