please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
