Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
