everyone is single if you try hard enough
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
