His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
As shirtless as possible
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
