I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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