Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
