when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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