Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
