I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
