His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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