Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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