So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
