My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize