I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
