even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
