I hope mine doesn't look like that
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize