alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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