i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
