omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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