drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
