I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
